Tales of an Anxious mind
Anxiety, although confusing, taught me some profound concepts
In a world that is actively trying to become politically correct, I often find the word “anxiety” being so loosely used. That never bothered me until I experienced it in first person. So now when I see my friends randomly share memes on anxiety, I have this maddening urge to tell them what it actually is; but ofcourse I don’t.
anxiety/aŋˈzʌɪəti/ : a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome.
There are lot of things in this world that words don’t do enough justice to, and anxiety is one of them. Having a mind that haunts until it becomes the loudest voice in the room always felt like a punishment. I often try to distract myself with the help of my friends or family or mindfulness, sometimes even few vices; but for the long run, it’s not helpful. No matter how busy you keep yourself, your mind always pulls back your attention.
Sometimes I wonder if my anxiety is a manifestation of some deep rooted issues from my childhood. I was an attention seeking child, and like a brat I craved my mom’s attention, obviously I didn’t get it because I behaved like one. My parents are great, please don’t get me wrong, but I think they could’ve addressed my attention seeking nature better. Although, I actually can’t blame them either, because their parenting style is also stemming from some childhood trauma they experienced.
Indian parenting is flawed in so many ways. I was ignored whenever I acted petty and was never given an explanation as to why I can’t get what I want. In those moments when I was left alone, I started analysing and replaying situations thinking about what I did, what they did and how I can avoid it in future. And today I feel my mind is the manifestation of that attention seeking child, acting petty, but what explanation do I give it?
This terrible experience also brought in light some profound concepts to me.
WORK OF THE UNIVERSE
When people say our ancestral bad and good deeds(Hinduism’s Paapam and Punyam) are passed on to generations, is it really some mystical concept where god aligns things for you or is it just some deep spiritual work your ancestors did on themselves that helped in fostering a better life for you.
Lets say your grandfather and grandmother were independent, ambitious, focused and strict individuals. Now your mother probably is independent, ambitious and focused as well, thanks to them. But what if she recognises(spiritual work) that the strictness she received as a child is not what a child has to experience, and chooses to be different?
Now she brings you up with the same qualities of independence, ambition and focus; but this time with also FREEDOM.
DUALITY OF EXPERIENCE
Although I try to diss anxiety many times, this impulsive childhood experience of replaying and analysing things gave me as much as it took away from me. I seek knowlege, I can process information very soon, I am great at reasoning, it’s easy for me to grasp concepts and make associations, I can express my thoughts eloquently, I can fight back from my life’s worst situations, and so many more. So, is it really fair to call these experiences negative?
If we can’t really polarise an experience, that honestly changes the game for me.
